My tour of the Menonite school was on thursday, that's four days ago. I fiiiinaly finished filling out my application and e-mailed it off just this morning. It took me four days!! It wasn't particularily long or difficult, and yeah, I DO believe that this is the direction I should be walking in. So why did it take me so long?
Simple. I've been running scared since Thursday!!
But WHY? Scared of WHAT? Those are the questions I asked myself.
Here's what I came up with:
I'm afraind of failing. I'm afraid that I'm NOT going to be able to do this. "I don't teach! I don't know how to do it! Never have "officially". So why would I be able to now? What if the kids don't like me? What if the kids are really bad and I can't handel them? What if I just CAN'T?
And it's not like I don't want to do this so I'm trying to come up with a whole lot of good reasons why I shouldn't. I DO want to. I want to help these kids....But I'm afraid that I can't."
Until church yesterday.
Pastor Ed preached about Moses and the burning bush. Classic story right? Everyone knows it right? Well yeah most of us probably do. Eighty year old, runaway, shepard in the desert Moses is out tending his flock when he stumbles upon God HIMself in form of fire on a bush that was not being consumed by the flames (you can the whole story here!). It's a wonderful story.
So I'm sitting in my front row seat taking notes, admitedly only half listening to the story that "I know so well" when the pastor says this:
"A bush doesn't get busy to be great. First, it develops a relationship with the fire"
"Ok, what??"
Here, read it one more time.
"A bush doesn't get busy to be great. First, it develops a relationship with the fire"
At that point in the sermon I sat up straighter and listened more closely as the Spirit zeroed in on my heart and my fears. I had been being a busy bush.
In all of my planning and striving I had been trying to "prepare" myself, to "strengthen" myself.
I had forgotten that it's not MY strength that matters. Pastor Ed also said that, "God will not strengthen us so that we can do great things. No, God wants to works through us, to live in us. God wants to walk in our sandals."
That seemed so crazy to me because I realised that for some time now, I've been trying to walk in GOD'S sandals. I just kept finding that they're way to big for me. Too heavy, too great. I CAN'T. It was such a releif to realise that I've had it quite backwards for so long. God doesn't ask us to walk in HIS sandals. He asks us to "take off our sandals", just as he asked Moses, so that HE can walk in OUR sandals.
WOW. What an amazing God.
That's what I learned yesterday. I must be content to be the bush, and let God be the FIRE. I must take off my sandals, and let the God of the universes walk in them and shine through me.
I want to develop a relationship with the FIRE.
(ps. I'm going into the cave)
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